Secret grievances...

Deception damages trust and Abraham didn’t have a very good track record as far as Abimelech was concerned. Abraham had lied to Abimelech (Genesis 20) and this had caused some strain in their relationship. So it’s not surprising that, some time later, when the two men are seeking to patch things up and make a covenant together (Genesis chapter 21: 22 - 32) Abimlech says to Abraham, “Please promise me that you won’t deceive me again,” and Abraham swears that he won’t.

But there’s more to deception than the act of saying things are aren’t true. You can also deceive someone by not telling them things that are true. As the treaty process continues, Abraham happens to mention a grievance that is a potential threat to their covenant: one of his wells has been stolen by Ablimelech’s servants. 

Poor Abimelech is shocked. “This is the first I’ve heard about it, and I’ve no idea how it happened," he says. “Why didn’t you tell me about it before?” We can sense the pain in his heart when he discovers that Abraham has been nursing a grudge that Abimelech was completely unaware of. Perhaps he felt misjudged at the suggestion that he would knowingly allow anything to jeopardise their relationship and their treaty.

As we can see by Abimelech’s response to the news, and by what happened next, there was no reason at all for this situation to have been a problem that drove a wedge between them. It was only a threat to their relationship as long as it was kept silent and not spoken out. As soon as Abraham spoke directly to Abimelech, the potential threat no longer had any power to damage their treaty with one another.

It can be so easy for us to take offence at something another person has said or done, or something that they didn’t do or say. How tragic to guard that secret grievance in our hearts and allow it to affect our relationship, when the other person may be completely unaware of it, and not at all intending to let that thing come between us.

You might feel you have good reasons for your silence; you might be fearful of a confrontation and choose to “keep the peace” instead. Or you might be so convinced the other person was in the wrong, that you feel it’s up to them to approach you and apologise for what happened. 

It doesn’t matter what your reasons are; when you harbour a secret grievance and don’t take initiative to speak to the other person about what happened (or what you think happened), you are the one responsible for the break in your relationship. The other person might be as completely unaware of the issue as Abimelech was.... and just as eager to offer an explanation or to put things right. 

This is such a crucial issue that half a chapter of the New Testament (Matthew 18) is given to Jesus’ teaching about what to do in such situations. Don’t dabble in deception by allowing secret grievances to come between you and another person. And don’t assume that the person already knows what you’re feeling or thinking. It might be hard to do, but it’s always better to bring things truthfully into the open and work together to find a solution and reconciliation.