Easter and expectations...

It's my daily custom to wake up early - around 6 am or slightly earlier. I get up to feed the cat and dog, I make myself a cup of coffee, and then I go back to bed or to a chair where I read my Bible and journal on my own reflections and on what God is saying to me through the reading. If I'm on the bed, the cat usually joins me. The dog isn't normally allowed on the bed, but one day this week she tried to climb up too; I let her come up and lie next to me, as it seemed that she too was seeking some companionship and comfort in this strange season we're going through.

And so, today is Easter Sunday. I guess we're "supposed" to wake up with a sense of joy and celebration, ready to celebrate the resurrection of our Saviour... but those weren't my first thoughts today, or the first reflections that I wrote in my journal...

And so it seemed even more important than ever to continue with my Sunday habit of writing down at least ten or a dozen things I am thankful for. Living with a spirit of gratitude is such an antidote to the stress, worry or discouragement that could so easily engulf our days... whether that's our tendency by personality or whether those feelings are triggered by unusual circumstances.

As always, writing my short and incomplete list renews my awareness that God is good - His mercies are "new every morning" - and I have so much to be thankful for. And yet, this particular Easter, I was still aware of feeling rather heavy hearted.

Part of my Bible reading this morning was about letting go of our expectations: not being so focused on the things that we want or need that we miss the things God has prepared for us right here and now. God knows the desires of our hearts and He also knows the best way to reach them. Our first priority should be simply to delight in Him and His goodness. (Psalm 37:4)

I remember, several decades ago when I lived in Cape Town, that one of our PCYM students did a study on the biblical meaning of the word, "delight." She discovered that the Hebrew word used in Psalm 37 is עָנַג - ʿānaḡ. If you look it up in a dictionary, you'll discover that it literally means to be soft and pliable.  "Delighting" ourselves in the Lord means being at rest, willingly submitting to His will and ways.

I'm willing - with all my heart - to embrace the unknown and leave my life completely in God's hands, but I have to confess that the idea of possibly still being homeless beyond this month is absolutely terrifying. I don't know, at my stage of life, if I have the strength and resilience for that. I can only hold on to God's promise (1 Cor 10: 13) that we will not be tested or tempted beyond what we can bear. Right now, it feels to me as if I'm reaching the limit of what I can carry; the weight of it often feels too heavy for me. All I know to do is to keep giving that weight back into God's hands.

I suppose those first Christians also woke up on that first Easter Sunday with heavy hearts. Jesus had risen, but they didn't know it yet. They would only discover it in the course of the day.

Perhaps there are things I don't know; things I will only discover in the course of this day, this week, this month... Till then, I choose to trust you, Lord.